The Journey Begins

           I need to go on a journey, and I am willing to have anyone who wants to join me come along.  It will not be easy.  It will be full of pain, sorrow, successes, failures, ups, downs, joy, laughter, and tears ... but what good story isn't?  My hope, though, is to permanently and irrevocably change my life at its core.  Not just because I want to, but because I need to.

I was driving a friend home to borrow a vehicle (long story, I won't get into that here), and we were "co-captives" in the van for about half an hour.  My friend is a self-proclaimed atheist who grew up in church, but--due to a lot of legitimate doubts based on interactions with professed Christians--she does not believe in God or any higher power.  So, being friends who are fairly open and non-judgmental with each other, the topics of church, religion, faith, and hypocrisy came up.

I invited her and her family to come check out our church's services this weekend (I attend North Point Church in Springfield, MO), letting her know that there will be 7 services this weekend with great stuff for the kids, prizes to be won, true multi-media presentation, the whole shebang.  While she didn't outright refuse, she was obviously hesitant.  She did say that her husband (who is a "spiritual" person, as opposed to claiming to be a Christian) and some of her kids (she has 4) may come.  I promised to send him an invite via Facebook with a reminder of the time that my family is planning to attend.

After a lengthy discussion that ranged from why she doesn't believe to why I do believe and back again, we arrived at her house, I hopped out of one vehicle and into another, and I began my trek back home.

And here is where my journey begins, and hopefully where your interest will percolate:  I realized that, while I intellectually agree with the tenets of my faith, I don't know if I Believe like I should.  Let me explain, and please understand that this is not meant to be an exercise in semantics.

Understanding the principles of the doctrine I profess is not the same as Following those principles.

Agreeing that Jesus was born from a virgin's womb, lived a perfect and holy life, was (and is) the Son of God, died to cover my faults and mistakes and errors and--yes--sins, was buried in a tomb and rose through His and His Heavenly Father's power from death and the grave, and ascended from this earth to reign and return some day DOES NOT automatically mean that I believe this.  Belief means that I adhere to, follow, and devote myself and my actions to something.

My problem is I realized that, in large part, my daily life is not fundamentally different from that of my atheist friend.  

Some may call this a "crisis of faith."  Some may call it a "come to Jesus moment."  Some of you may even use this as proof that Christianity is a sham.
And perhaps in my recent life, it has been.


I'm not a criminal.  I don't steal, I've never killed anyone, I don't cheat on my wife, I care for my children, I take decent care of our animals ...

But ethics and morality do not equate with righteousness.  Righteousness is defined as being in good standing with God.  And all my good works (or lack of really bad ones) can not measure up to the standard--perfection.  Thus the need for grace.

  

There is also no such thing as "relative righteousness."  Being "better" than someone else doesn't give me a pass with God.  This attitude actually is a function of pride, which we are told God hates.

Ok, a lot of you have probably heard all this before, and you're thinking "yeah, so what?" or "get to the point, Josh."  

So, here's the point.  I realized that my main problem is not a lack of understanding, but a lack of discipline and passion.  I'm not a cold fish ... I love my wife, and I'm committed to her.  I've been a fan of the same football team for practically my whole life.  But when it comes to the most important things, I have no inner drive right now.  I need to find, or reclaim, or reignite the passion I used to have.  The tears that come when I see my sin, or ponder the pain of others, or try to grasp the depravities that humanity can visit on its constituents (ie.  poverty, illiteracy, disease, emptiness, etc.) need not to stop at my eyes, but flow down my cheeks.  My desperation for meaning and purpose--and GOD--needs to last for more than five minutes at a time at the end of a message at a weekly service.  If not, I will continue to feel dead and disconnected, more and more each day, until finally I feel nothing at all.

And that is not what LIFE is meant to be.  

My journey begins today with a few small steps:  this initial blog, my commitment to begin to "self-feed" (read the Bible and pray) daily, and a request for the willing to join me.  I need some support.  I can't do this on my own.  You probably can't either.  So if you are willing to help me up when I slip and fall, or if you just want to follow along to watch my progress, tune in.  I plan to regularly check in to update my progress.  And I promise, my future entries will be much shorter.

Thank you for reading my rant, such as it is, and thank you for whatever comments any of you offer.